The Hoodest Ish I Ever Wrote

So remember Tupac's song; Against All Odds, and he opened the verse with "this be the realest shit I ever wrote"?  Well; I've been hearing a version of this in my head when thinking about this blog entry.  But instead of "realest ish" this is the "hoodest ish".

So my youngest daughter's birthday is Tuesday, yippee for 4!  So her birthday party is this weekend.  I love birthday parties for my kids; love planning them, executing them, love the smiles on their faces and making them feel special.  However, this year's party arrives with trepidation because I am still having flashbacks from LAST year's party.

First of all she insisted on having her party at Chuck E. Cheese.  Yes the germ magnet, smells like feet, good ass pizza, CEC. Although I loathed this idea; this was the first time she had input into her party so I acquiesced.  I sent out Dora invites to her classroom and some of my friends with children, and her dad said he would bring her older siblings.

On the day of the party we arrive with balloons, cameras, cakes, everything we need to throw a good party.  The waitress comes over to ask what toppings we want on our pizzas, what kind of drinks, and her dad calls to say he's almost there.  Ok cool.  So my sisters and I take her around to the various games, and I come back to wait on the tokens to be doled out so I can give them to the guests as they arrive.  All of a sudden her dad comes walking in with his mother, brother, 2 sisters, and sister in law.  Between the five adults they bring in her 2 sisters and SEVEN additional children ranging from 6 months old to 10.  Now I am standing here trying not to let my jaw fall to the ground as his mother walks up to hug me, because this mofo just brought FOURTEEN FUGGING PEOPLE to my child's birthday party with no notice!!!!!  Before I can say anything; the tokens disappear and they are gone to find my daughter.  My sister has to hunch down over the table to protect the few tokens that they missed.

Fortunately my ex goes and buys more tokens to replace the 100 tokens his family just scooped.  Ok; I'm not boiling, but my stress level has increased by bounds and leaps.  They are running around, dropped various jackets and bags on the table, you can't find anything--chaos is setting in.  But the kids are having fun; even the baby dressed in a diaper and t-shirt drinking Kool-Aid out of a bottle in October 50 degree weather.  Keeping it moving...

Pizza comes, now because these FOURTEEN extra people came, I let the adults know that the pizza is for the kids, and they can have more pizza when it comes out.  Before the waitress and I can serve all the kids; the pizza is gone.  Mofos sitting at the other end of the table mouths full.  GROWN ASS MEN.  While 2 year olds have no food.  Now I'm getting up to 10.  So the BABIES had to wait for more pizza, I also ordered wings and other things to feed the natives.

Ok; so babies now have their pizza.  Because the table we originally had set for 10 kids is TEEMING with people, the waitress and I move to an adjoining table to set up my baby's Dora birthday cake.  I carefully place her candles and we move her cake to the table in front of her...do you know one of the BAK my ex brought (Bad Ass Kids for those of you who don't know) sticks her damn HAND in my child's BEAUTIFUL cake?!  Babeeeeee, it was on.  I snapped, I said "someone come get her NOW!!!!!"  So her dad, my ex's brother, grabbed her up.  Well then one of the other BAK, as soon as my baby blows her candles out, takes Dora and Diego off the cake.  Well, I took those shyts right back.  Yep; I snatch from kids.  Judge me.  I snatched them right out of their hands and told them they were my daughter's.  Period, point blank.  There was NOT A CRUMB of cake left.  I ordered enough cake for 10 kids and adults.  Not for all of Altgeld fricking Gardens.  The BAK running around THROWING cake on the floor; SPIKING it, as if they were on a football field!!!  I was absolutely mortified!  The waitress just kept throwing me the "pity" face, she could tell I was frazzled...hell, I kept having to order food!!!

Then to top the night off; in the midst of my sweating and confusion; I give the waitress my debit card to settle the bill.  Cause I'm ret to GO.  She goes and is gone.  And gone.  Then a fight breaks out by the Skee-ball.  Apparently a Hispanic father got into with a Black mama and some slurs were thrown along with some punches.  Over Skee-ball? Mmmkay.  Not that serious; but at any rate, the Villa Park police had to come.  So as I'm sitting waiting on my card and bill to return; I watch the police storm in with SWAT gear LOL, and wonder when the FLUCK am I getting out of the hell I am residing in.

The manager comes over to apologize profusely.  For what?  Taking so damn long?  No; for LOSING my debit card!!!!!!!  She said she must have put it down in the skirmish with the race riot by Skee-ball and she's been through the garbage; and in 17 years of working at Chuck E Cheese she's never lost a card.  They had reviewed the tape and errything.  Sooo the kicker?

The party was free.  All that food I had to order for those ninjas?  All the tokens we had to keep requesting?  All the soda for the thirstiest mofos on this side of the Mississippi? FREE.99.

Well; I guess tolerating being an extra in Madea's Family Reunion at Chuck E Cheese paid off.

But um, I'm having bouncers at this year's party.

Now you've read the Hoodest Ish I Ever Wrote.

Toodles!

Writer's Block

So all I can really do today is sit on pins and needles waiting for the iOS5 update to come out.  Yeah; I could be working, hawking Avon, or taking care of my kids---but I prefer to refresh my innernets every 5 minutes waiting for someone to say its released.

I could be reading my many chapters for class since I got a---B!---on my midterm, but I don't feel like doing that either.

I could be figuring out what to feed my kids for dinner, but I won't.

So we'll call it writers' block.

Are Common and Serena still together? If not; I need to find his mama and become her bestie cause he is FOINE.

My Essence with Idris has not arrived yet, they better hurry up before I get an attitude.

So glad I have girls; they are so much fun to dress.  Boys clothes are boring as hell.  I love dresses and sequins and shoes and hairstyles....I just don't like crying, and puberty, and having to carry a pistol to keep boys away.

Speaking of pistol; I need to go to the gun range.

Why do people act like their job is more high brow than it is?  Come on dude.  We know you're a damn receptionist, calling it a hospitality engineer won't change that.  Own your isht.

If you're unemployed, are you supposed to go on vacation? This is a quandry that's been bothering me for some years now.

Speaking of unemployed, where'd Kwame Kilpatrick go now that he's got his free?

I know a lot of broads that would be more pleasant to be around if they got some penile intervention.  In about 1...2....3...I'm going to send them an email telling them as much.

I know some other broads that need LESS.  Stop letting every dude run up in that, you are too damn old, disease is too damn prevalent, and old hoes are never a good look.  Prime hoe age is between 17-22.  I just helped somebody's mama.

When am I going to hit the damn Lotto? I'm sick of this working BS...

I either need a winning Powerball ticket or a dying old man....get at me....

*sigh* I guess, I suppose I'll go back to focusing on the OTHER things I need to do today....and avoid this writer's block.  Hey; everyone is due a little randomness every now and again.....

Not a good food day :(

So its been awhile; heyyyyyy ya'll.

So part of my summer involved this RATCHET sleep study...I have obstructional sleep apnea; which means I'm not supposed to sleep on my back or I stop breathing. Ok; big deal. The IMPORTANT part is when I weighed in; I saw a number I've NEVER seen in 34 years of life, not even when I was pregnant.

Stopped me in my damn tracks.

So I promptly came home; fired up my Weight Watchers and readapted to the plan, PointsPlus. I've been doing well so far; 2 weeks in I'm down 4.6 lbs, that's nothing to sneeze at. I mean just 20 more to 10% loss and ONE HUNDRED more to goal! (trying to be positive).

I've been drinking Coke Zero, fruit and yogurt parfaits, water, taking a multivitamin, working out, less fried chicken and mac and cheese, planning my meals...I've been a GOOD girl for 2 whoooole weeks.

But today. THIS day. Was not a good food day.

It started off innocently enough, with hotcakes and sausage from McDonalds---with a water of course. Then it progressed to a Super Steak from Great Steak. With Fries. And Cheese Sauce.

The nail in the coffin? The Oreo McFlurry I had for dinner.

Someone just told me; "tomorrow is another day". Yeah; it is. I have to remember that...or remember Scarlet took a tumble could be me if I don't get this shit under control....*roll that beautiful bean footage*

BWWWWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH....gets me everytime!!! ROFLMAOOOO....the table would probably drop dead if I got my fat azz up there too...(I wonder if that child is still on the floor? LOL)

Toodles!

Friends...how many of us have them?

This song is one of the most pure songs about friendship out there...."and if you threw a party, and invited everyone you knew; you would see the biggest gift would be from me and the card attached would say, 'thank you for being a friend' "Love it.

I have been thinking a lot about the importance of lasting friendship lately, in particular as it relates to my daughter. My oldest is a rising 5th grader and we just moved. I was really committed to making sure we stayed in the same town and communicated with the school district to make sure she could stay at the same school even if we moved within the district. Why? Because she has done really well in her present school, and I would not DREAM of moving her, her last year of grade school to a different school and peer group.

She has been fortunate to find really good friends, girls she's known since Kindergarten. They are thick as thieves, they Gchat, email, have playdates, get in fights, do all the things you do at that age. They "get" her and and she "gets" them as well. They have her back. When she's down, they lift her up and she tries to be a positive source for them as well. They have sleepovers, and go to D&B together, and had their first Benihana experience together. LOL. They love each other. One of her friends has an older sister who graduated from high school this year, and we saw her and her best friend since 4th grade off to prom. They have been the gruesome twosome since they were 8 and are now going to colleges across the street from each other in Atlanta. They have gone through their formative years knowing at the beginning and end of each day, triumph, and challenge they had someone who had their BACK.

That is what friendship is. And that is what I see growing with my daughter and her friends, and that is what I have with MY friends. It brings tears to my eyes to watch true friendship blossom. So many people these days are caught up in the exterior, the material, the silly---even children. I know so many people who don't have friends, or at least don't have TRUE friends. I feel blessed to have my down like four flat tires friends in my life. And I pray the same for my children. So if that means we live in a little apartment in our town instead of buying a sprawling mini-mansion in another town or even state; then so be it.

I want to give my daughter the opportunity, if I can, to know and feel what the above song means. Because Whodini said it best, "Friends, how many of us have them?"

Rod Blagojevich

Needs to STFU. He's TWEETING? Really?! ROFLMAOOOOOOO....I had a whole 'nother blog subject; but this fool just messed up my writing mode.

"its a terrible injustice" Maybe you should have thought about THAT before you tried to withhold Medicaid enhanced payments from my child's hospital. Prick.

I hate politicians of all varieties at this point in my evolution. Between Michelle Bachbullshitmann running for President, the Weiner's weiner, and Nancy full of caca Pelosi, I'm over ALL of them.

I don't care how Blago tells his kids; I don't care how much time he gets, I'm just over politics as usual....fugg him.

I'm supposed to be packing

But instead; its 12:30am and I am up watching an Oprah repeat. I hate moving, despise it. Not because I'm sentimental; but more so lazy. I am a creature of habit and I hate change. So moving a year from my last move is NOT in my range of normal behavior. But my landlord lost my place; so I have to go.

I think my master plan is to stay at this place for 2 years, then purchase. By then I will be done with school; my youngest will be going to Kindergarten so I can have that money available to pay these wretched taxes. Home ownership frightens the hell out of me, but I want the stability that comes with owning my ish...and being able to throw wild parties without repercussions!!! LOL (soo not me).

I'm excited about this move though; the kids will have a backyard, a porch swing. Nice quiet neighborhood, lots of kids. Right by the expressway; so I don't have to fight traffic to go everywhere.

I'm just not excited about this horrid packing. I got a good portion done. Tomorrow I will work on cleaning out the refrigerator and finishing the kitchen. Wednesday will be my room, the linen closet, and the GARAGE. *cue scary music*.

I see.....a lot of shit getting thrown out.

Toodles!

Couple things about me...

I am not a father, do not wish my Happy Father's Day. That isht is disrespectful to the ACTUAL fathers in my and my children's lives. Keep your issues with you.

I don't acknowledge important news via social media from my friends. If you are engaged, having a baby, or have a new job; I expect a phone call or at minimum an email.

I actually call my friends for their birthdays; and I expect the same.

Inviting me to a shower via evite is a sure way to get a decline.

I am reciprocal...some call it tit for tat...if you don't respond in kind; you'll end up with crickets coming from my end. We'll still be cool though.

I am deeply in love with southern drawls on men. *slurrrp*

I really prefer being by myself to being in a relationship at this point in my life...

I have night blindness.

If you don't know this much about me already; you are not my friend and I already know that

Facebook has made everyone some lazy asses.