The Hoodest Ish I Ever Wrote

So remember Tupac's song; Against All Odds, and he opened the verse with "this be the realest shit I ever wrote"?  Well; I've been hearing a version of this in my head when thinking about this blog entry.  But instead of "realest ish" this is the "hoodest ish".

So my youngest daughter's birthday is Tuesday, yippee for 4!  So her birthday party is this weekend.  I love birthday parties for my kids; love planning them, executing them, love the smiles on their faces and making them feel special.  However, this year's party arrives with trepidation because I am still having flashbacks from LAST year's party.

First of all she insisted on having her party at Chuck E. Cheese.  Yes the germ magnet, smells like feet, good ass pizza, CEC. Although I loathed this idea; this was the first time she had input into her party so I acquiesced.  I sent out Dora invites to her classroom and some of my friends with children, and her dad said he would bring her older siblings.

On the day of the party we arrive with balloons, cameras, cakes, everything we need to throw a good party.  The waitress comes over to ask what toppings we want on our pizzas, what kind of drinks, and her dad calls to say he's almost there.  Ok cool.  So my sisters and I take her around to the various games, and I come back to wait on the tokens to be doled out so I can give them to the guests as they arrive.  All of a sudden her dad comes walking in with his mother, brother, 2 sisters, and sister in law.  Between the five adults they bring in her 2 sisters and SEVEN additional children ranging from 6 months old to 10.  Now I am standing here trying not to let my jaw fall to the ground as his mother walks up to hug me, because this mofo just brought FOURTEEN FUGGING PEOPLE to my child's birthday party with no notice!!!!!  Before I can say anything; the tokens disappear and they are gone to find my daughter.  My sister has to hunch down over the table to protect the few tokens that they missed.

Fortunately my ex goes and buys more tokens to replace the 100 tokens his family just scooped.  Ok; I'm not boiling, but my stress level has increased by bounds and leaps.  They are running around, dropped various jackets and bags on the table, you can't find anything--chaos is setting in.  But the kids are having fun; even the baby dressed in a diaper and t-shirt drinking Kool-Aid out of a bottle in October 50 degree weather.  Keeping it moving...

Pizza comes, now because these FOURTEEN extra people came, I let the adults know that the pizza is for the kids, and they can have more pizza when it comes out.  Before the waitress and I can serve all the kids; the pizza is gone.  Mofos sitting at the other end of the table mouths full.  GROWN ASS MEN.  While 2 year olds have no food.  Now I'm getting up to 10.  So the BABIES had to wait for more pizza, I also ordered wings and other things to feed the natives.

Ok; so babies now have their pizza.  Because the table we originally had set for 10 kids is TEEMING with people, the waitress and I move to an adjoining table to set up my baby's Dora birthday cake.  I carefully place her candles and we move her cake to the table in front of her...do you know one of the BAK my ex brought (Bad Ass Kids for those of you who don't know) sticks her damn HAND in my child's BEAUTIFUL cake?!  Babeeeeee, it was on.  I snapped, I said "someone come get her NOW!!!!!"  So her dad, my ex's brother, grabbed her up.  Well then one of the other BAK, as soon as my baby blows her candles out, takes Dora and Diego off the cake.  Well, I took those shyts right back.  Yep; I snatch from kids.  Judge me.  I snatched them right out of their hands and told them they were my daughter's.  Period, point blank.  There was NOT A CRUMB of cake left.  I ordered enough cake for 10 kids and adults.  Not for all of Altgeld fricking Gardens.  The BAK running around THROWING cake on the floor; SPIKING it, as if they were on a football field!!!  I was absolutely mortified!  The waitress just kept throwing me the "pity" face, she could tell I was frazzled...hell, I kept having to order food!!!

Then to top the night off; in the midst of my sweating and confusion; I give the waitress my debit card to settle the bill.  Cause I'm ret to GO.  She goes and is gone.  And gone.  Then a fight breaks out by the Skee-ball.  Apparently a Hispanic father got into with a Black mama and some slurs were thrown along with some punches.  Over Skee-ball? Mmmkay.  Not that serious; but at any rate, the Villa Park police had to come.  So as I'm sitting waiting on my card and bill to return; I watch the police storm in with SWAT gear LOL, and wonder when the FLUCK am I getting out of the hell I am residing in.

The manager comes over to apologize profusely.  For what?  Taking so damn long?  No; for LOSING my debit card!!!!!!!  She said she must have put it down in the skirmish with the race riot by Skee-ball and she's been through the garbage; and in 17 years of working at Chuck E Cheese she's never lost a card.  They had reviewed the tape and errything.  Sooo the kicker?

The party was free.  All that food I had to order for those ninjas?  All the tokens we had to keep requesting?  All the soda for the thirstiest mofos on this side of the Mississippi? FREE.99.

Well; I guess tolerating being an extra in Madea's Family Reunion at Chuck E Cheese paid off.

But um, I'm having bouncers at this year's party.

Now you've read the Hoodest Ish I Ever Wrote.

Toodles!