I am a baby mama.

Yes; I hate the term...but since I'm not delusional to think most people will call me anything else, I will accept that and whatever else anyone wants to deem me.

Single mother. Baby Mama. Unwed mother. The list goes on.

But this isn't about what I'm called or even what I consider myself. This blog is a much needed reminder that at the beginning AND end of the day--I do what is required for my children. Without complaint. Without reward. I just DO it. And what burns me more than just about anything on this earth are people who don't do it, yet speak as if its from a place of knowledge about what I, and women like ME go through.

I've said before; I could have married my oldest daughter's father. I could have, but we'd certainly be divorced, and I'd probably have been beaten to death by now to boot. I have no regrets about being a single mother at all. In fact, I prefer it most days. I am the decider if you will. I don't have to run shit past anyone, I don't have to wait for Daddy to get home, I don't have to cook anything more taxing than meals than a 10 and 3 year old want. LOL.

But at the same time...this is MY shit. Yeah; they have fathers...but I'M the one who pays the bills. I'm the one who wipes the asses. I'm the one who holds their heads in the toilet when they are vomiting. I'm the one who drops them off, picks them up, takes them to gymnastics, doctors, library, ice skating, parades, Girl Scouts, field trips. I'm the one who is up in the middle of the night when they have nightmares. I'm the one that is called when they are sick at school. I'm the one who has to arrange a babysitter to make a Costco run. I'm the one who has to shop at Costco!! I'm the one who has to worry about the values I'm instilling, because I observe them daily, 24 hours a day to measure whether or not those values are sticking. I'm the one who shops for clothes and has to consider whether its a shorts day or a pants day...and whether to wear socks or anklets...and whether the hair should be up or down. I'm the one checking the teeth after they are brushed. I'm the one brushing teeth. I'm the one teaching them how to wash themselves and how to wash dishes. I'm the one helping with research projects and identifying the alphabet. I do this all day, every day. This is what I'm supposed to do. And did I mention I get $150 in child support every few months??? LOL. I do all of this on MY 4 job-having dime.

So when mofos jump out the woodwork and act like is easy, or like I'm not doing all that I'm supposed to, or like they KNOW...it gets my back up. If you think its easy, if you think its no biggie, its only because I don't let you know what it REALLY is, because its my job. But when you come out of your face acting like you can do it, oh, you want them for 2 hours---that is NOT parenting. You want your monthly visit---not parenting.

And then I know I get called names. I've been called selfish. A bitch. How about I don't care? What you won't call me is a neglectful mother. My kids are my first priority. I don't give a damn about your feelings and your need to stunt, or pretend like these beautiful, smart, personable children are the result of your daily interaction with them--because they aren't. I ALWAYS think of them first. People, including their fathers, that don't wake up with these children as their first priority EVERY DAY---not just when they are in their possession, or when they call on the phone, or the few times the money is paid--don't get a seat at the decision making table. You coach from the booth, I coach on the sidelines. From the booth you get the luxury of being able to sit up there loftily, and see the sum total of the game. From the sidelines, I see the hurt, the dirt, I get hit too sometimes. I'm not sitting in air conditioning with headsets on. I'm screaming and yelling and on their level WITH them.

Now; if you are a coach on the sidelines with the other parent, then that is great. But I don't know many people that are "in" it 50% like that. If you are; then that is awesome for you and the child.

But if you're not; and that burden is falling a little or a lot heavier on the other parent-- next time you fix your mouth to talk about the "baby mama"--yours or your man's, check to make sure you aren't coaching from the booth trying to tell the head coach about shit you just don't know.

Why kids these days are messed up...

Ironically; I watched my FAVORITE television show, Real Housewives of Atlanta, last night after I developed the idea for this posting...watching Phaedra ramble on about how she needs her weekly man/ped, she needs her exercise, and she only got 5 hours sleep at night while she was pregnant..then get her first look at her newborn son and respond "Ew. Gross." solidified that I needed to write this today. LOL

Not that I am saying Phaedra (for those of you that watch the show, if you don't, go to Bravo's website for a gander) is the benchmark but her self-centered attitude about her impending motherhood is definitely something that has been adopted by more and more mothers; to the detriment of the upcoming generations.

Your life will change
This "me" attitude that has permeated society is literally; KILLING our children. Let me start with the first thing that women tell ourselves: "My life isn't going to stop because I have a child". Nope it will not stop, but it damn sure better CHANGE. You are now responsible for the carriage and care of another human being. This is not a task you should take on lightly. This isn't a gold tooth kiosk. Its not a shoe sale at DSW. Your child wasn't given to you as a prize at the State Fair. You can't undo it. And unlike the things I mentioned above, prizes, shoes, and gold teeth(well, not the gold teeth) you can't take on raising a child and your life not change (cause your life WILL change if you get gold teeth lol). I guess you COULD, but then my kids have to deal with sitting next to your kids---whose mother smoked and drank while she was pregnant so they have Fetal Alcohol Syndrome and are underweight, whose mom decided that penis is the priority so her kids come to school and act out the mom's show with "Uncle" or "Aunt" X from the night before (cause she can't even wait until the kids are sleep), and don't forget the kids who can't read the "stop" sign because mom decided she'd rather Facebook and Tweet than make sure the kid did his 30 minutes of reading. Hell; he don't even have a book, everything in the house is a National Enquirer!

You don't get a cookie for doing what you're SUPPOSED to do
Having children is a sacrifice...you don't get extra points in life for being the "cute" mom, or helping your kids with their homework yet still getting to the club while it's free--you also don't get extra points for doing right by your kids, because that is EXPECTED. You get extra points for raising kids that actually contribute to society and don't blow the rest of us up. Your kid doesn't have to be President Obama, but try not to make him President of the Weloveboys society. Your daughter doesn't have to be Oprah, but keep an eye on her enough so she's not compelled to be Tyra Banxxx. Sometimes you can't stop your child from going down the wrong path, but sometimes we contribute to it by demonstrating self centered, self-serving parenting. You don't have to sacrifice your happiness, but sometimes what you want and what your children need will simply not line up---then what are you going to do? Convince yourself that if you get what you want, what your child needs will fall into place?...another lie. Its vice versa.

Its simple--your life will and needs to change when you become a parent. Your priorities should change, your outlook on life should change, your sacrifice should change. Your walk should change--you should have parent swag! You will care about different things, your perspective will change. How you look at your mate will change. Your life will change, for the good and the bad--but its necessary so you can be responsible for these persons you are legally required to clothe and feed and let them loose in the world as your representative.

Its so funny; because getting pregnant is so easy and fun for most of us, folks think that parenting is too. Its NOT. And what is killing our kids is these wack ass parents who think that. So when the baby doesn't fall in line with what you want to do; like conceiving fell in line with your compulsion to screw--then its an imposition. I don't know a single kid that ASKED to be here...and since s/he didn't, the full responsibility for that child's existence falls on you. So next time you're mad cause his parent-teacher conference interfered with your lunch plans, or she got sick right before you were headed out of town, or his need for tutoring to pass 8th grade depleted your shoe fund--look in the mirror and point, YOU are the one to be mad at, suck your teeth at, fuss at, yell at, roll your eyes at, complain about...that baby was an egg chilling minding his/her own business before you got hot in the butt that night...LOL

And yes; I'm primarily speaking to mothers...fathers require an entirely different blog because at the root of it all: I am a sexist, and its my blog. Mama's baby, daddy's maybe. Mothers are the nurturers and responsible for the primary caregiving...we're the cake, and fathers are the icing. Many have made themselves optional; but are truly still a requirement, you can't eat a dry ass cake right? (ReaLM rule:)Remember that the next time you get your once per month opportunity to complain about your kid's father...only once a month, for 5 minutes max, generally around child support time. Anything more than that is wallowing, and let's face it--you chose him. But we'll talk about the available choices (or lack thereof?) in another post.

Toodles!

ReaLM