My deepest fear

So there is a news story that has been troubling my spirit for the last 36 hours. A father was charged today with the murder of his 9 year old daughter 2.5 years ago. This is a man who was married, living with his mother and other children in the house with his wife, worked at a hospital, crying all over the news---seemingly, at least on paper, stable. This man, allegedly, slit the throat of his 9 year old while she was visiting him for the summer--just 35 miles from the home she regularly lived in with her mother.

When this little girl first was discovered murdered; my daughter was 7 years old and actually visiting her own father across the country. This story illuminated one of my primal fears---that something would happen to my child while outside of my charge. Let's face it, by and large, fathers are not maternal and instinctive like most mothers. Fathers are reactive rather than proactive. Fathers are aggressive rather than nurturing. So if something happens, they will rear up--but they aren't very good at preventing it from happening.

So this shook my core when this child was hurt on her father's watch.

Today; when charges were filed against this father accusing him of being the one to actually murder her--I just cried. Its one thing for something to happen on Daddy's watch--its totally different for Daddy to do it. This man; again, seemingly stable could do THIS to his flesh? Then anyone can...

Now to my deepest fear...my daughter's father is NOT seemingly stable. He is scary. He is narcissistic. He is abusive. Did I know this when we were together? Some of it, some of it didn't come to light until after she was conceived. But in the 9 years she's been on earth; they've had a strained relationship because of those traits. Now that she's getting older, she's pushing away from him even more. He lives 3,000 miles away, so its not an "in your face" issue, but the summer is coming and he will ask for her to come visit. On a good day, he is too crazy for me to send her there; but in light of this very real reminder that even the seemingly NON-crazy can flip out, there is simply no way I will ever send my child to be with him unattended as long as I have breath in my body.

I'm sorry, call me selfish, call me overprotective, say its my fault for procreating with a nut...I don't care, call me dead if she ever catches a flight out there again. The one time she went; that summer of 2008 I only sent her because he is now married to--again, a seemingly stable young lady-- and he called me saying he was sending her home because she was homesick and getting on his nerves. The first time he'd spent more than 2 days around his daughter he was sick of her...is that a man I trust my precious gift with? No. *shaking head*

No one sends their child to spend time with their parent without the expectation of getting them back how they left. Unfortunately; there are few protections for those of us who KNOW that the other party is sick, abusive, and unfit. In my state and many others; unless the other parent lays hands on the child, visitation is still a right. So you have to send your kids, hold your breath, and pray that the crazy doesn't get unleashed on your child THAT time.

I do not know if the mother in Mya Lyons case believed something was "off" with Mya's father, I do not know if this was court ordered visitation, I do not know much of anything...but I do know that I am counting the days until my daughter's father asks can she come, I say "No" and listen to the barrage of "bitch" "selfish" "fuck you" that will surely follow. But I will not be bullied or guilted into loosing my child from MY protective arms. Not this time. I'll take the abuse and sleep at night. Take care.

Toodles,

ReaLM